The Internet. The World Wide Web. We speak of it with such awe and reverence that you would think it was a divine being coming to rescue and deliver us into a new and perfect world, an entity so powerful that it will transform – for the better, of course – our businesses, our interactions with others, the way we communicate, the way we shop – every aspect of our lives. Nothing will be the same again, and everything will be better, faster, easier.

Whatever we want – information, goods, connections – we can find it or do it whenever we want via the Internet. Yes everything… even sex. We can have sex on the Internet wherever we want with exactly the kind of person we want. Sometimes that creates a problem. The opportunity is too enticing, alluring, fulfilling, immediate, and powerful. So much is available. There are so many options, ones we’ve only dreamed of – or have yet to dream of. So much opportunity and stimulation is available that it’s difficult to control. And hard to stop. For some it is seemingly impossible to stop.

No, the Internet isn’t all sunshine and progress. There is the shadow side to the Net. For some people, the pull of cybersex can be so powerful that, like alcohol or other drugs, it’s hard to put down and control. The shadowy world of cybersex is overtaking and overwhelming far too many people, undermining careers and upending relationships. And the problem is growing. Worse, it is becoming clear that for some, cybersex becomes a compulsive or an addictive disorder.

Marriage is about trust, openness, and intimacy. The simplest question that immediately answers if you are on that slippery slope is whether or not you are sharing what you are doing online with your spouse? If not, then you are headed for trouble if not already there. Secrets are like termites in the foundation of a marriage. They eat away, more and more, until the whole thing collapses. Once you begin to hide something meaningful from your partner, you are pulling away from her. A small secret usually becomes a bigger secret or leads to additional secrets and before you know it, there is an unhealthy distance that has been created in the relationship.

Many people who lack self confidence or find it hard to share feelings face-to-face, feel much more comfortable sharing intimacies online. Your wife says come snuggle with me on the couch. You say I have to take care of some work on the computer and you go online and talk to your “friend.” Now you have not only lied to your wife but you have taken important time from the marriage.

One can easily expand the definition of cyber-infidelity to include those who are spending significant amounts of time on porno sites. Some husbands have claimed this actually enhances their marital sex by raising their level of arousal. Others say it helps because their wife has a lower sex drive and this provides a safe outlet for their stronger needs.

Have you shared what you are doing online with your wife or partner? If not, you are acting in a secretive manner which means, on some level, you are feeling guilty or ashamed about what you are doing, and you are creating a dishonesty in the relationship that will have negative repercussions. Why not tell them? If it is not harming the sexual relationship, she should not have an objection, unless you are becoming addicted to those sites and then it becomes about the time taken from the relationship in addition to the likelihood there is a sexual problem. Of course, you might also be surprised to learn your partner would like to share that time online and allow it to enhance your sexuality in a mutual way.

Sharing deep personal thoughts and feelings are scary to most of us. Too many couples end up avoiding addressing important issues that need to be shared and worked through. What starts as an anonymous, online friendship can potentially evolve into a relationship that has all the characteristics of a traditional affair. Any “relationship” that creates deceit in a marriage, that takes time and energy away from the marital relationship, constitutes an affair.

An individual who knows how to use a card catalog can find a specific book in a library much faster than a large group who must pull every volume off the shelf to see if it is the one they want. It’s the same with the Internet. A little intelligence goes a long way. We are all truly pebbles in a vast ocean of information. Millions and millions of computer users log on and off on a daily basis. Information is transferred from one point to another in a heartbeat. Nothing is quite what it appears to be. The uninformed will get hurt in many ways.